tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
