You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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