Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
she smelled like a LAN party
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
