Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
