I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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