im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
