Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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