I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
People in love make me want to vomit
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
