he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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