my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
