Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
even my farts smell like vagina
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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