I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
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Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
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I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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