you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
