No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
