if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
