this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
