ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
