Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
