dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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