Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
