You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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