I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
