Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
