How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
