My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
