oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
