I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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