i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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