Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Randomize
