Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
