I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she told me i tasted like america
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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