please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
