I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
