Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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