glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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