So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Randomize
