No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
