I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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