I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
