you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
