I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
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