rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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