I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
