drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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