Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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