This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
