you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
