so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Girls should come with a carfax report
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
