honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
