I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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