He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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