Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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