I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
