im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
When are your genitals available?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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