you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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