my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
