cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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