Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Randomize
