It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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