If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
should my penis look like a turkey
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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