Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
